Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What the hec...

Drill is over for the weekend, but I have another one this weekend, then gone again with the military for a couple weeks. I don't mind though, it's all good and I'm proud to be doing it, altho sometimes its a pain in the butt...I just try to think of it as any other job, in the sense that there will be good days and bad days...

I had fallen into a slump, but I finally realized it, and turning around and trying to fix myself, like love myself....going to get serious on my workouts...try to focus more on the things that I need and want to get done.

Life is hard, relationships hard...but no one said it would be easy. I say that now, but now I have to believe it and live and accept life as it is and comes...I can say the right things to make others think everything is going good, but the truth is, it really isn't all  what it is cracked up to be...but I am working on it...

Love is hard, love can be hurtful, love can be helpful,
Love can be a good thing, it can last
or it may not,
in order for it to last you have to work at it,
you have to try and see if it has a chance,
it has to be right,
at the right time,
timing is everything when it comes to love,
if the timing isn't right, then it won't work, no matter how hard you work at it,
Love as a way of working its way back to you, when the timing is right,
and when you least expect it sometimes,
Love, sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and just be live without it...

Confusion, I've been so confused about my life, more so lately,
trying to find me,
learning to like myself, love myself,
trying to figure out why I do certain things,
sometimes I think I am making a breakthrough, but then something happens, and I'm back to the beginning,
it is just so frustrating,
I just wish everything was easier, not so painful, heartbreaking,
still do not have any easy solutions,
so, I'm just trying to take it all one day at a time and take it all as it comes...

Friday, April 23, 2010

Drill Weekend

Well, another drill weekend has come again. I don't mind going to drill,
but this time we are going to the range, and it's supposed to be a crappy weekened, rain...hopefully its not a cold rain, those are the worst!
Get to go play army,
the job doesn't like it so much, but not so much they can do,
they should be supportive and grateful that i am in the army,
without people like me, there would be no freedoms,
people just take everything for granted now a days, right down to their family and friends,
Ok, off to the army....

Thursday, April 22, 2010

i like my apartment,
i like where i live, finally,
i'm not ready to leave it yet,
so i won't,
i will do the commute thing to school,
yes it will be hard, and not give me much time for anything else,
except homwork, and part time work,
but i have to try it,
its what i want to do,
i don't want to leave my apartment,
finally found a place that is decent,
and i actually like,
plus that it is my place,
something that i haven't had in a very long time, if ever,
i want to enjoy it for as long as i can,
just not ready to share, not just yet,
still looking for me, looking to love me,
altho i think its going to be a lifetime thing,
but anyway....

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

on my own....but not...

feelin a little lost again,
listening to my song "East to West",
oh how it fits,
feeling like i might need to take some more time for me,
been feeling like this for a little bit,
this finding yourself stuff, is a pain in the butt,
sometimes i wonder why i need to,
is it really all that necessary,
if helpin others, doing for others makes you happy, then why just keep doing it,
ok, ok! yea so, we need to do things for ourselves and take care of ourselves,
and make sure we are happy and within, doing things we want to,
anyway, guess i will just take care of me,
starting today, starting over with this quest,
no one can do it, but me,
no one can tell me how,
no one can do it for me,
so i'm on my own,
but thats ok....ok, so i am a little scared of the on my own, alone thing,
but i know i can do it, just have to conquer the fear if it, and not let the fear win....
i know i'm not alone,
i can still have a relationship, and still be on my own,
be independent, i can work on me and finding me, finding the happiness within,
just have to have more alone time then usual, and i have to be stronger then the lonely feeling.....its just so damn hard!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

sick, i hate being sick,
i just don't feel like doing anything,
feelin' all achy,
all stuffy,
not movin' very fast,
movin' like a snail,
sick, i dont like it one bit,
hope i feel better tomorrow,
cannot afford to be sick, not at all.....

Saturday, April 17, 2010

here i go...again...

going to do the things i want to do and have been wanting to do, and just plain been putting them off for whatever reason, i guess it's time to do these things,
it's in God's hands, his plans, not mine,
i used to make plans, but over the last couple years,
realized, it doesn't really do any good to make plans,
because it is not our plans, it's God's plans that count and that are going to happen.

do all the things i love to do,
get back to my hobbies and maybe make a little cash with them, who knows,
all i do know is that i want to do the things i used to do, its been to long,
so here i go...

Martina McBride - How Far

Martina McBride - Anyway

Friday, April 16, 2010

why does it hurt so much if its the right thing to do?

if something is right to do, why does it have to hurt sometimes?
i may know that its the right thing to do, but i don't want to,
i know i need to pursue other avenues, and try to make them work,
if it doesn't seem like its going to then i will get out,
why is there so much hurt when doing the right thing,
especially when it comes to loving someone?
loving somoeone so much, but knowing you shouldn't or cannot be with them,
just don't want to let go,
it's to hard to let go,
scared to let go,
why do i have to,
why did this happen, if its not right?
Damn Love!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

need to let go of a few things,
its hard to let go, but i guess thats a part of life,
why does life have to be so difficult?
why can't life be easier?
why do we have to learn things the hard way?
tryin' to live my life to the fullest, the way i want,
do the things i want, but sometimes people get hurt and i do not like hurting others,
i know i  need to be happy and that may cause some unhappiness in others, but i still don't like it,
anyway, i have to go to sleep now, i am tired.....
tired alright....

separate ways...

so we are going our separate ways, its really happening,
i've let go, but it does still feel weird and hurts a bit at times,
but we did share six years together, can't just erase those years from our memories,
nor do i want to, you will always be in my heart and i will aways love you,
i will always be here for you if you need help,
when you said you have girlfriend now, i was happy for you but yet at the same time it kind of hurts,
but i know its for the best,
if its meant to be, our paths will meet again,

a good life

today was a good day
did some things around the house,
did some errands, went to the gym,
had some lunch,
chilling out before i go into work, think i might might go sit on the deck and read,
doing what i need to do, no phone, not chatting on the internet, just doing what i want to do,
having some "kris" time,
living a decent life, i'm broke, but i have my health,
i have people who love me all around me,
i don't need much,
i have a job, a car, and a nice place to live that i enjoy,
my own space, do not have to answer to anyone...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

sitting on my deck, drinking my morning coffee,
the sun is out, it is beautiful out,
it is so nice having a deck finally,
this is what life is about,
being able to sit ad relax, on your deck,
drinkin a cup of coffee,
sitting on my deck,
with my coffee and notebook,
getting some writing done,
i am enjoying my new, own place....

a slump

in a slump, or so it seems,
altho, i just need to get back to school,
need to get things going again,
need to get motivated again,
need to workout like a fien,
trying, this week will be better,
altho i still feel like just sleeping,
whats up with that, i feel wiped out,
and i'm not doin a whole lot,
altho the job is stressful, and i'm not happy there,
trying to find a new and different one, but no luck as of yet,
things will get better i know this, i know it takes time,
but i want it to be time now,

Sunday, April 11, 2010

all i want...

why do u this?
just accept it the way it is,
don't want to let go,
probably should,
it's probably not right,
but just can't let go,
just trying to live my life,
trying to make all happy,
trying to make me happy,
most of the time i am happy now,
altho i should be happy everyday, all the time,
one day at a time,
not going to let go yet,
i know we should, but can't yet,
hate what i'm doing sometimes,
but i cannot help it,
there's two,
never thought there could be two, and at the same time,
never have done this before,
it's just not me,
but i guess it is now,
apparently i've changed,
so this is me,
i'm doing the best that i can,
i am trying,
please forgive me,
give me strength,
give me courage,
give me love,
give me peace,
and give me serenity,
that's all i ask, to be happy and content,
is that to much to ask Lord?
i am talking to you Lord, asking you now for help,
giving you control,
handing you the reins of my life,
i am yours Lord now and forever, amen

Saturday, April 10, 2010

remembering you

remembering you,
i am ok,
you are one of my guardian angels,
i think, no, i know i will always remember this date, something i will never forget,
the pain may lessen, but i will always remember you, what we had and shared,
i know now it was your time to go home to our father,
we shall see one another again soon, but not before it's time,
remembering you, today,
i won't be sad,
i will just remember, your smile, your sweet ways, your kindness,
you are forever in my heart,
i will always remember today, i will always remember you,
i love you and you will forever live in my heart...
when i see fellow military hurting, or who have passed, or just hanging with them,
i feel a sense of pride, that i am also a part of the same thing as them,
we are standing up for our country, putting ourselves in harms way,
it is something to be proud of, i feel a connection, my heart goes out to them, i feel the pain that they are feeling, the happiness, the anger, whatever it may be, i feel it too,
i know its tough on our families, friends and veterans of past wars,
but all in all, we are doing what we want to do,
standing proud,
serving our country with dignity and interegity,
it is or duty, yea we don't want to die, but we will if we have to and do it in pride and honor,
God Bless the USA, I am proud to be serving and proud to be an American!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

I like my apartment, I like where I live,
I like having my own space,
not answering to anyone,
can clean if I want or not,
yea, it gets lonely,
but that's ok, I get over it,
we all end up walking alone at some time or another,
even if for just a brief moment in time,
I like where I am,
I like where I'm going,
finally I like where I am and going,
haven't felt like this in a very long time....

living life, not living life...

living life...
not living life...
what does it mean to live life?
is it doing what God wants, or is it doing what you want?
Or can we do what we and God want, as long as we are happy and others are happy,
and that we are helping others?
living life,
not living life,
pleasing others,
doing what others want,
making others happy,
then doing what we want,
altho sometimes doing for others instead of ourselves is what makes us happy,
but then we also do need to take care of ourselves too,
and we should be doing that first then taking care of others,
we aren't any good to others if we are not happy with ourselves...
live life for you,
live life for God,
then live life for someone else...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

TIRED...

Tired,
Tired of my life  just being,
I want to have my life be where I want it,
I think I deserve to be happy, to have what I want,
So why can't I have it?
Tired of just being,
I want to live,
I want more,
I just want to hang with friends, family,
work in a good job that is fullfilling and rewarding,
somewhere, where I get the respect that I deserve,
Tired of mean people,
Tired of people just out for themselves,
Don't they know that's not why they were put here,
God did not intend for us to be mean, and out for ourselves, at least not totally,
He wants us to be happy and make sure we do what we need and want for ourselves, but at the same time be there for others and help others as well,
Tired of it all,
When will it get better?
When will it start going right, in my direction?
I think it's time, now,
I'm just so tired....

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

can't make up my mind...

seems like i can't make up my mind on what i want to do,
am i crazy? or just don't know what to do?
i know i want to be happy,
i want to go to school and finish, i want a good job that i enjoy going to each day,
is it to much to want it all?
is that to much to ask?
i guess i should just keep living my life one day at a time,
and just leave it in God's hands, because in the outcome,
it's going to be the his plan that i end up doing, i do not have the plan,
even if i think i do, it's his plan, i am here for a reason, doing what i'm doing for a reason, for God!

just gets frustrating at times....
feel like giving up, throwing in the towel,
but then i look up, and i see a face and hear a voice,
hang in there, things are getting better....

Sunday, April 4, 2010

my new beginning...Happy Easter!

really enjoying my space, my time in my own apartment,
really do not want to leave it yet,
going to be goin to school full-time and only work part-time,
a closer commute as well,
i am really enjoying my space,
i don't think i am ready to give it up quite yet,
there is something to say for having your own space, living alone,
yea it gets lonely, but at the same time, it is ok, i'm ok, i will be ok and i will make it thru this life and will get all that i want and deserve from this life,
altho right now, having God's love, loving myself, is the most important, having this, everything else will fall into place...a new beginning...Amen!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

sunny days...

a beautiful day today,
sitting on the deck,
reading, and just chilling...
hopefully more of  these days to come,
the sun,
makes me feel good when i am out in it,
i like these sunny days,
taking a walk near a lake, or in the woods,
hiking up a mountaintop,
warm and sunny spring days,
looking foward to the summer days...