just want some company,
like melissa etheridge says in her song,
someone to understand the misery,
someone to know me,
thats all i want,
some company,
school, right now, is the most important thing in my life,
or at least should be,
does anyone believe me that right now, school is my main focus,
or should be?
so confused....dont know what to do...
i thought i was getting my life on track,
but i guess i was wrong,
or at least i am only getting one thing moving on the right track,
apparently i can only do one thing at a time....
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Chicago Pride 2010
the chicago gay/lesbian pride parade is this weekend...going to go,
this is my 2nd one that i've been to,
always seemed to miss the ones before,
went to 2009, had a good time,
will have a better time this year though,
a time and place where we can be ourselves,
and just have some fun,
time for some to come out after years of hiding,
i've been out for a while now,
I've been pretty fortunate about coming out,
and not being hated upon,
others to not so fortunate,
so much ignorance in this world,
people just need to accept we are here,
we are not going anywhere,
we love just like everyone else,
want to be married just like everyone else,
so, why can't we? Because of all the ignorant people out there,
the ones who are scared of us,
just because we are not like them,
to bad,
we are who we are,
just accept it,
you dont have to like it,
but just let us live our lives like ya'll,
we are not doing any harm to anyone,
we just want to love and to be loved,
grow old with someone,
out and proud!
this is my 2nd one that i've been to,
always seemed to miss the ones before,
went to 2009, had a good time,
will have a better time this year though,
a time and place where we can be ourselves,
and just have some fun,
time for some to come out after years of hiding,
i've been out for a while now,
I've been pretty fortunate about coming out,
and not being hated upon,
others to not so fortunate,
so much ignorance in this world,
people just need to accept we are here,
we are not going anywhere,
we love just like everyone else,
want to be married just like everyone else,
so, why can't we? Because of all the ignorant people out there,
the ones who are scared of us,
just because we are not like them,
to bad,
we are who we are,
just accept it,
you dont have to like it,
but just let us live our lives like ya'll,
we are not doing any harm to anyone,
we just want to love and to be loved,
grow old with someone,
out and proud!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Redefining Life
At my wits end with my job. Started school, full time ans supposed to be working only 2 days a week, but they are jerking me around and they think don't realize it, oh i do and it's going to stop! My school is more important than this job! My life does not revolve around Pappas, I do have a life outside of it, and it is way more imporant!
Redefining my life, liking myself, making Me happy,
just taking care of me for change,
it's nice to be able to this,
not answering to anyone,
in a way I don't want to give this up and I won't have to with the right person in my life as my "partner", whoever that may be....just one day at a time, going with what is thrown at me each day,
trying not to live for the future, but at the same times still have it in sight...
I've changed, I am beginning to become a new person,
some might be proud of me, others may not like the new me,
but either way, I am supposed to be pleasing myself first, I cannot make others happy unless I am happy,
or so I am told,
I can and do make plans, but in the end the only plan that really counts is God's!
Redefining my life, liking myself, making Me happy,
just taking care of me for change,
it's nice to be able to this,
not answering to anyone,
in a way I don't want to give this up and I won't have to with the right person in my life as my "partner", whoever that may be....just one day at a time, going with what is thrown at me each day,
trying not to live for the future, but at the same times still have it in sight...
I've changed, I am beginning to become a new person,
some might be proud of me, others may not like the new me,
but either way, I am supposed to be pleasing myself first, I cannot make others happy unless I am happy,
or so I am told,
I can and do make plans, but in the end the only plan that really counts is God's!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
back to school....
back to school,
I got the associates degree,
now I'm beginning the next phase,
the bacholars degree,
times, I sit and think,
wow! I am a college graduate now,
never thought I'd be one of these,
I feel a sense of pride,
a sense of accomplishment,
believing in myself more and more each day,
knowing I can do it,
back to school,
if I can do it, anyone can do it!
I got the associates degree,
now I'm beginning the next phase,
the bacholars degree,
times, I sit and think,
wow! I am a college graduate now,
never thought I'd be one of these,
I feel a sense of pride,
a sense of accomplishment,
believing in myself more and more each day,
knowing I can do it,
back to school,
if I can do it, anyone can do it!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
setbacks....
setbacks
why do they really happen?
we all have to deal with things in our lives,
we all have troubles,
and for the most part they all can be handled without any issues,
but sometimes we might just to a point, we cannot handle it as easily and we need help,
don't want to get the help,
feel like I am useless, weak, not has strong has I thought I was....
why do they really happen?
we all have to deal with things in our lives,
we all have troubles,
and for the most part they all can be handled without any issues,
but sometimes we might just to a point, we cannot handle it as easily and we need help,
don't want to get the help,
feel like I am useless, weak, not has strong has I thought I was....
Saturday, June 12, 2010
long time...
been awhile since I wrote anything on here...just been kind of crazy emotionally, but I'm snapping out of it.
The life of a poet...not an exciting one....
Life is what you make of it, from the beginning to end. Make youself happy from the beginning, do the rght things for YOU, and in life generally and everything will workout the way you want. Do what is in your heart, we cannot please everyone all of the time, but you can please YOU all the time,so do it! Don't worry about anyone else, you can still be kind, and do for others, but you have to do do for you as well.
The life of a poet...not an exciting one....
Life is what you make of it, from the beginning to end. Make youself happy from the beginning, do the rght things for YOU, and in life generally and everything will workout the way you want. Do what is in your heart, we cannot please everyone all of the time, but you can please YOU all the time,so do it! Don't worry about anyone else, you can still be kind, and do for others, but you have to do do for you as well.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Happiness....
To move or not to move closer to school,
Yea, I should, it would be the sesible thing to do,
but I do not want to, at least right now,
others will think I am being stubborn,
and I may very well be, but it is my decision, not theirs,
I will be ok if I do not move right now,
I will be in school for 2 years, so I can move next year,
and I might very well do it then,
I have to do what I think will make me happy,
yea and also do what is the right thing and smart thing too, but...
but money isnt everything anymore, my happiness is more important,
I could be poor and still be happy,
yea money is good, and helps with a little of the happiness, but it is not all of it....
In the end, I have to be happy....I have to take care of me, no one else will....
Yea, I should, it would be the sesible thing to do,
but I do not want to, at least right now,
others will think I am being stubborn,
and I may very well be, but it is my decision, not theirs,
I will be ok if I do not move right now,
I will be in school for 2 years, so I can move next year,
and I might very well do it then,
I have to do what I think will make me happy,
yea and also do what is the right thing and smart thing too, but...
but money isnt everything anymore, my happiness is more important,
I could be poor and still be happy,
yea money is good, and helps with a little of the happiness, but it is not all of it....
In the end, I have to be happy....I have to take care of me, no one else will....
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
can't save everyone....
want to help others with lives,
want everyone to be happy,
I hurt when others are hurting,
I dont want to see others hurting,
I dont like others upset or angry,
I know that I cannot help others,
they have to help themselves,
I have no control in what others think or do,
altho it is hard and I try to back off,
but sometimes my stubborness gets in the way,
I realize now that I've tried to save others,
tried to make sure they're happy,
but now I see I cannot save everyone, I'd be pretty
damn lucky if I even saved one...
want everyone to be happy,
I hurt when others are hurting,
I dont want to see others hurting,
I dont like others upset or angry,
I know that I cannot help others,
they have to help themselves,
I have no control in what others think or do,
altho it is hard and I try to back off,
but sometimes my stubborness gets in the way,
I realize now that I've tried to save others,
tried to make sure they're happy,
but now I see I cannot save everyone, I'd be pretty
damn lucky if I even saved one...
Happy Home....
happy in my home,
never been in a place where I am happy to come home to,
never really wanted to go home, but I do now,
I want to be able to enjoy this place, at least for awhile,
living on my own,
no one to answer to,
doing my thing,
clean if I want to or not clean,
it's my home, and mine alone,
I can do whatever I want in it,
Not sure I want to give that up,
yea I want someone to love me and to love them back,
to share my life with, to grow old with,
but right now in this moment I need to live alone,
I know I probably do not make sense to you all,
some of you may not understand,
but you were not meant to understand everything,
Has long as I know and understand myself, thats what matters,
being happy with myself,
enjoying my own company,
knowing I am worthy of love, a good life, and happiness,
knowing I am a good person,
loving me for who I am, not caring what others think about me,
just being me and loving me...
never been in a place where I am happy to come home to,
never really wanted to go home, but I do now,
I want to be able to enjoy this place, at least for awhile,
living on my own,
no one to answer to,
doing my thing,
clean if I want to or not clean,
it's my home, and mine alone,
I can do whatever I want in it,
Not sure I want to give that up,
yea I want someone to love me and to love them back,
to share my life with, to grow old with,
but right now in this moment I need to live alone,
I know I probably do not make sense to you all,
some of you may not understand,
but you were not meant to understand everything,
Has long as I know and understand myself, thats what matters,
being happy with myself,
enjoying my own company,
knowing I am worthy of love, a good life, and happiness,
knowing I am a good person,
loving me for who I am, not caring what others think about me,
just being me and loving me...
having trouble getting going today,
don't know why,
I'll get going, just tired this morning,
have to work tonight,
don't have a day off until thursday,
need the money,
but just don't want to work this particular job anymore,
but I know have to, so I do,
going to be going to school full time and working part time,
going to get the BA degree quicker then I did the AAS degree,
want to be 42 and not 45 when I graduate,
I know it doesn't matter what age I am when I graduate, but to me it does,
I am hard on myself and put timelines on the things in my life that I want to accomplish,
and if I do not complete, then I pretty much give up or don't care,
calling on the phone,
no one is there, or not answering the phone, when I call,
I don't like this, feeling ignored, rejected, not a very good feeling,
don't know what to do,
trying to be strong and to let it go, but just can't do it,
thinking about them,
wanting to talk to them,
please answer the phone when I call,
please answer my emails,
don't ignore me,
don't shut me out....
don't know why,
I'll get going, just tired this morning,
have to work tonight,
don't have a day off until thursday,
need the money,
but just don't want to work this particular job anymore,
but I know have to, so I do,
going to be going to school full time and working part time,
going to get the BA degree quicker then I did the AAS degree,
want to be 42 and not 45 when I graduate,
I know it doesn't matter what age I am when I graduate, but to me it does,
I am hard on myself and put timelines on the things in my life that I want to accomplish,
and if I do not complete, then I pretty much give up or don't care,
calling on the phone,
no one is there, or not answering the phone, when I call,
I don't like this, feeling ignored, rejected, not a very good feeling,
don't know what to do,
trying to be strong and to let it go, but just can't do it,
thinking about them,
wanting to talk to them,
please answer the phone when I call,
please answer my emails,
don't ignore me,
don't shut me out....
MEMORIAL DAY 2010
memorial day...
never really thought about it to much, until recently and now i understand.
a day we all should remember and give thanks to all that served and still serving in the armed forces and to the ones that sacarficed their lives for us to have the freedoms we have today.
I feel honored to be a part of this group, ths family, I stand proud and ready to fight, ready to die for my country, I do not want to die, but if I must then I will do it with honor, pride; it is my duty....
I had gotten one thank you today for serving, but no others. I don't know if it just slipped peoples' minds or they just didnt really truely care...I am sure its a little of both. I am not going to make a big deal about it, because I know there are people out there who support myself and my fellow battles in what we do and are grateful for what we do.
Memorial day, a day to remember, a day to pray and give thanks!!
never really thought about it to much, until recently and now i understand.
a day we all should remember and give thanks to all that served and still serving in the armed forces and to the ones that sacarficed their lives for us to have the freedoms we have today.
I feel honored to be a part of this group, ths family, I stand proud and ready to fight, ready to die for my country, I do not want to die, but if I must then I will do it with honor, pride; it is my duty....
I had gotten one thank you today for serving, but no others. I don't know if it just slipped peoples' minds or they just didnt really truely care...I am sure its a little of both. I am not going to make a big deal about it, because I know there are people out there who support myself and my fellow battles in what we do and are grateful for what we do.
Memorial day, a day to remember, a day to pray and give thanks!!
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